I have long awaited, dreaded, and tried hard to fight the reality of tonight's post, my last in Amsterdam. My stomach hurts just writing that reality...my bags are packed and I'm heading back to America tomorrow, leaving my bicycle tracks and treads atop the cobblestone streets of my now European-soil home. I'm running on two hours of sleep now, overwhelmed with the prospect of finishing the last bits of cleaning, deeply saddened by the goodbyes I've said and anxious about my last tomorrow. Hannah and I are flying to London tomorrow morning, where some greater force will supposedly separate us and set us on our way to New York and Washington. We spent our last day here drinking coffee, meandering through markets, walking slowly over canal bridges and alongside our reflection in the water, soaking it all in with a huge range of feelings and emotions rushing through us.
As I mentioned previously, the last couple of weeks have been quite the roller coaster ride of emotion. One minute I am ready to leave and see family and friends, and the next I'm struggling to find optimism in my too-soon departure. Our program directors warned us about this hilly drive through the highway of being abroad, and an expressway it has been: the time has flown by faster than I imagined possible. It feels like only four minutes ago (impossible to accept that it was in fact four months ago) that my adrenaline rush was not from the angst of impending departure but rather the arrival in my gorgeous new home and extended awe at this city only comprehensible when experienced first-hand. Now, I'm tired, running on empty, teary, and particularly exhausted from the last two weeks of craziness.
Deciding to come abroad was an extremely difficult decision for me, and there were many moments when I sincerely doubted I'd make it here, even after I'd committed. Now, having spent these four months building relationships with new people and places, learning how to travel with each of my senses fully heightened and alert, discovering the value in taking time for myself, and staying confident in my ability to constantly find new excitements, I am more grateful than ever for my decision and pursuit of this semester abroad. I was attracted to Amsterdam's bicycle culture, and a good friend from Brandeis who came on the program last year assured me that I'd love it here; but, I knew not what to expect or how I would fare in this new space, so far removed from my comforts at home and school. Somehow, though, the purchased plane ticket and constant orientation emails from CIEE pulled me across the ocean and, from day one, I've been having the best time.
I'm not really sure if this post has much direction. I am indeed in the middle of processing everything, which is definitely difficult to do at 4 in the morning, and will continue to make sense of all this as the coming weeks roll in. My recent tendency to strive to focus on the good stuff, the silver lining and the potential for the positive to emerge atop it all has undoubtedly helped console my teary self in the last week as I've thought about leaving. Today, it's hard to find the energy to think too much about anything other than packing and the sadness that comes along with leaving newly formed incredible friends who feel like life-long pals. Saying bye to Kyle this morning at the tram stop was one of the hardest goodbyes I've ever had, and it took Hannah and I a while to catch our breath and move on with the day. Tomorrow is bound to be challenging too, but a recent conversation with one of my best friends from home reminded me that, even though it seems impossible now, I will indeed come home to comforting faces and places and will learn to move along in my home/school life with this semester firmly solidified in my memory and with the absolute possibility for visiting these kids soon enough.
Ultimately, despite the circles under my eyes and momentary upset, I recognize that I am leaving Amsterdam with so much more strength than I arrived with, and having accomplished all of the personal goals I set forth both before leaving the States, and after landing here. I have so much to be grateful for, which is so important to remember on tough nights like these. Here's to the most incredible four months: endless learning, effortless adventure, midnight laughs and 2 a.m. bike rides through the canal rings, wonderful new friends, beautiful photographs, challenges so worth facing, and a growing sense of personal strength. In Dutch, cheers is "proost;" so, cheers to these months and everything they've given me to inscribe in this especially enlightening chapter of my life. See you soon, A'dam. Miss you already.
